Alone

The day was empty. Ice stretched out seemingly forever, merging with the blue sky at the horizon. I blinked slowly, my chest rising and falling as my breath collected on the frosted glass. Outside, the wind blew the settled snow into the sky, and it flew in swirls, coalescing into flakes that hailed from the heavens. The frost danced on my skin, kissing my face deliriously. There was nothing to be found here, nothing but chill, and occasionally, death. It didn't come often enough.

A sigh escaped my lips, and I leaned back in my chair, my fingers curling around the armrests, tracing patterns in the coarse wood. I found myself wondering how I'd ended up here, sitting in this lone prison in the frozen tundra, inhabited by none but seal and fox, and the bear that reigned over them all. Isolation was strange, and it did fiendish things—it toyed with the mind, showed it great orchards of fruit, and even as I let the taste fill my mouth, I could almost feel the poison fill my veins. How long had it been now? A week? A month? A year? Did it really matter? Death was coming for me, making a great pilgrimage across the snow, and my flight from it would not last long. And yet life was precious, even if it was cursed. A starving man must eat the poisoned fruit, even if he knows it will be the last he will ever swallow.

I was young when my father had first taken me to the pole, making the long voyage to see the endless sheets of ice, the ruthless polar bear, and the glorious Aurora that graced the skies. We'd come by ship, my father seeking to do research on the strange behavior of electromagnetism, and I seeking glory in being his accomplice. He'd educated me well, and I'd understood his endeavors with ease—they fascinated me to no end. I dreamed of immortality within the sciences, of solving what the greatest minds could not. I'd told him once, "Father, I shall seek to do the impossible, and my name shall echo within history!" Such is the folly of greatness.

Weeks passed, then months. We started out in a small cabin at the base of an Inuit village, constantly trading supplies and equipment in an attempt to survive in this hostile hell.  Every day my father conducted experiments, setting out on great expeditions, and I went with him, constantly moving closer to the pole, and yet with every passing day, we saw the futility of our venture. The crew we had sailed with were uncomfortable in the wake of such undertakings, and while my father attempted to muster morale, one by one they left us, and the remaining hopefuls succumbed to frostbite. Even our captain, a strong-willed and resourceful individual, began to waver. He was a rich man, and one of noble birth—he was the one who proposed the mission in the first place, providing the finances and such. But every man has his limits, and as his crew began to desert him one by one, his patience slowly worsened to the point of cracking. His temperament quickened, and he'd often scream in rage at the slightest mistake by his men. Even towards my father, he grew hostile, threatening him with a withdrawal of funds if he didn't finish his research soon. If anyone attempted to calm him, he'd swat them away irritably like a ranger swats a fly in the rainforest. And it didn't stop there. The captain's grim demeanor wasn't at all self-contained, and soon even the jolliest of our crew members was moaning and groaning whenever we'd compel them to get off their behinds and get some work done. It was slowly becoming evident that no good was going to come out this enterprise we'd embarked on.

As our days slowly withered away in the harsh tundra, I couldn't help but wonder at how quickly the human mind turns to despair. The captain had been one of my dear friends, and now he'd turned into nothing but an irate, sulky slug unable to do anything good with his life. There used to be a time when he was happy and jovial, glowing with pride for what his expedition would accomplish. He had a lot in common with me, really, and we'd often stay up talking long after hours, laughing and regaling each other with amusing stories and ambitious plans for the future. He'd tell me about the great scientific discoveries he'd made under Queen Victoria, and I'd tell him about the course of my studies and all that they'd taught me. He was quite astonished when I'd told him my age, saying that for a boy under eighteen I was stunningly accomplished. I used to glow with pride at his compliments, throwing aside all modesty and taking credit for the amazing work I had done, using it as emotional fuel for the work I did alongside my father. But soon he was gone, and all of this became but a memory of the past. The last of his men left with him, and we were left alone in the cold. "They will return," my father had said confidently, but we knew it wasn't true. And still, I pursued glory. "We do not need them, father! We shall further our enterprise alone, and years from now they will regard us with deference." He'd done nothing but silently nod. Two days later, I'd found his body lying a hundred meters from our camp, half eaten and ripped apart from head to foot. The craftsmanship of a bear.

I'd wept bitterly, but my tears did no good. I was alone now, and my glory lay only in sorrow. I'd always thought myself a resourceful individual, and now I put that to the test. The very next hour I packed up everything in our camp and took a dog sled south, racing through the snow, feeling the ice bite my eyes. My tears had dried now, and I wished nothing but survival. Two long days later, I was forced to resupply at a local Inuit village. But there I met someone that spelled the end of my legacy: the good captain.

Of course, at first, I'd received him with nothing but relief. "Kind sir!" I exclaimed. "I did not think I would meet you here, but seeing your face I know that I shall not languish in the snow any longer. My good man, my father has met his untimely end, and now I am trapped here. I would reward you greatly if you could grant me charter on your ship. I know you do not need money, so I shall provide my services instead: I shall devote my genius intellect to your profit! Surely it shall benefit you greatly."

Evidently, the captain disagreed. He said that I and my father had brought him nothing but ruin and that he had lost his entire crew, as well as a shocking amount of money. I had ruined his reputation, he'd exclaimed, and by extension, his whole life. And then he drew from his person a pistol, and I ran for dear life, leaping into my sled and spurring my dogs into action. I screamed at them to run as fast as possible, and they yelped with excitement, turning the sled around and racing into the tundra with their tongues held out. Even given the terrible circumstances, I couldn't help feeling a pang of regret. These creatures had been through just as much as I had in the last few months. I urged them on, making a mental note to take better care of them in the future.

By acting fast I had given myself a head start which would prove to be invaluable. Soon the captain was pursuing me, racing across the snow on a sled of his own, gun drawn. Panic swelled in my throat, and I pushed my dogs faster, the snow flying into my face and up my nose. "Yield, boy!" the captain screamed as he caught up to me, firing his pistol in the air, and then at me. The bullet whizzed past my ear, melting the frost that had collected on my face. And then, in a stroke of fate, the captain decided to aim at my poor dogs.

The crack of gunshots filled my ears, and blood sprayed through the air. One by one the animals fell. My sled tripped over the ice, tumbling head over heels and smashing into the ground. I was thrown from my vehicle and into the unforgiving snow, and I screamed as blinding pain seared through my body. My breath came in rapid gasps. I could feel hot blood flowing down my legs, the pain keeping me conscious. Splinters dug into my skin, causing me far more pain than my much larger wounds. This undoubtedly meant the end of me. Beside me, the captain had circled his vehicle around to a halt. Rage was etched into his face, his eyes blazing with what could only mean murderous intent as he slowly and purposefully cocked his pistol. He grabbed me by the arm and dragged my heaving body to his sled. But there was still fight left in me, and I struggled in his grip, punching, kicking, biting. The captain cursed, stumbling, and I took advantage of this, slipping out of his grip and snatching the pistol from his hands. Before he even knew what had happened, I'd taken aim at his head and fired. There was a deafening crack, a flash of red, and the captain collapsed senseless on the ground.

His blood turned the snow a dull shade red, and my face what could only have been a pungent shade of green. I scrambled to feel his pulse, but it was no good—he was dead. The pain that had plagued me a second ago seemed to vanish as I slowly sank to my knees, my actions washing over me. The world swam before my eyes. I had never taken another human's life before, and I could hear my own heart pounding as I stared at the lifeless body before me. A rush ran through my head. Is how murder felt? Strange. Terrible, maybe? No, that wasn't it. Disgusting? Perhaps.

I rose to my feet. Oddly enough, the dogs hadn't been disturbed by this at all. Evidently, they had seen more death than I had. I swallowed the bile that had collected in my throat and dragged the captain's body away from the sled, digging a small hole in the snow and burying the body with haste. The snow around the site of our skirmish had been stained a gut-wrenching red, but this quickly being remedied by the fresh snow that was ceaselessly hailing from the sky, washing out my grim actions in a blanket of white. Like a blank canvas, almost. Hopefully, a canvas with which I would be able to paint myself a new life. After all, soon there would be no visible evidence of the scuffle except for my crashed vehicle and the dogs that the captain had killed. The bile I had swallowed began to crawl up my throat once more. Those animals had served me well, and I couldn't exactly say the same. At least they were at peace now. I massaged my temples, trying to clear my thoughts of the fog that had clouded them. I needed to get away from all this. The sun had almost ended its journey in the sky, and unless I sought shelter I might just go the way of my father. My mind still dazed, I mounted the captain's sled and sped away from the scene.

But I was speeding away from nothing but my own fate, for only two weeks later my crime was discovered and I was doomed. I was in the Canadian provinces at the time, trying my damnedest to get a charter back to London. I was arrested in the harbor, and taken to the local judge, to be given a trial the next day. I did not resist. I knew that I must suffer the punishment for my murder, for such was God's justice. The jury declared me guilty, and the judge decreed a life imprisonment: luckily for me, he was a kind and forgiving man, and so instead of being killed, I was to be tossed in a small prison up north and forgotten for the rest of my days. Such irony.

And so now here I sat, holed up in jail, rotting in isolation. This was always a small jail, but at least it had been populated when I first arrived: a dozen criminals used to reside here, languishing alongside me in the horrid cold. But Death's cold fingers eventually wrapped around their necks, and so they slipped into the nether, one by one, until I was all alone in the frozen tundra. And then, yesterday, the two jailers who dwelled here also died, succumbing to pneumonia. Locked in my cell, with no food and water, it seemed I would soon follow suit.

I sighed. Perhaps it was fate. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, the cold flooding my senses until I could feel nothing but the gentle frost dancing on my skin. A poignant sense of sorrow embraced me as I reminisced my days in the tundra. Is this the only glory I was destined for? As a child, I used to believe in something larger that myself, something that could seduce me endlessly and lead me to greatness. My fellow children had invited me to play with them, to live in ignorant bliss as youths often do, and I'd laughed at them, told them that they would loiter away their entire life as I studied my way to immortality. I'd buried my head in books and lived my days in isolation, my only company being the great men of yore, men who pushed me even further into my solitary endeavor.

A chuckle escaped my lips, and then a shiver. The cold around me seemed to have worsened, and the only sound I could hear was the clatter of my own teeth. My blood seemed to freeze in my veins. I gulped for breath, but every gasp sent jabs of chill down my spine. I wanted to open my eyes, but they were achingly numb and ostensibly paralyzed. A sense of terror struck me, and then a feeling of peace. I thought back to the good captain I had slain. Perhaps I would be able to apologize to him now. My shivering slowly stopped, and the cold seemed to be replaced by sheer exhaustion. Somewhere not far I could hear my father's voice, beckoning me to join him. I felt joy swell within me at the thought of seeing him again.

A smile spread over my face. Lethargy seeped through my body, and slowly I felt a powerful sleep washing over me. Yes. Yes, I would see him any moment now. Perhaps I would apologize to him as well, tell him of my great folly. Any moment now…

____________________________

I hope you enjoyed that! I wrote this piece on a bit of a whim a few weeks back, but I do think it shaped out rather nicely in the end. "Alone" had been one of the more interesting projects I've worked on. It's been a fascinating if somewhat short-lived undertaking, but nonetheless, it's taken me to unexpected places I didn't think it ever would. Writing is like that sometimes! Every story is an adventure to discover, constantly leading us to novel places and experiences. It's one of the reasons we as a species tell stories in the first place. In particular, I found it very surprising when I looked back upon the words I'd written and realized I'd never even mentioned the protagonist's name! And yet it worked so well.

I wrote this story as bit of a foray into what I think modern literature is somewhat afraid to explore: the idea that sometimes, even though we try our hardest to make life work, our fate eventually catches up with us and we're left to die alone and unremembered. It's not quite tragedy—it's something very different. It's something that leaves us empty and hollow. It's something that strikes us in a place we often try to forget. It's something that's just a depressing truth about life, which is why I think we as writers often steer clear of it. But I figured that for once, it was worth acknowledging the bitter side of life and seeing the impact it had on readers. And as I mentioned in my previous post, I firmly believe that the real beauty in art lies in the experiences it gives us, and how that experience impacts our lives in both big and small ways.

But philosophical ruminations aside, I genuinely enjoyed writing this, and I hope you enjoyed reading it. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below! What impact did this story have on you? Do you agree with me? Or do you think that writers should steer clear of the hollow side of life, and focus on things that make us feel whole inside? I look forward to furthering this discussion in the future. Thank you once again for reading, and I'll see you in the next post!